Tender Violence

Recently I had to renew my anti-virus software because it had expired. I decided to renew it online instead of just going and buying a new one. I do not have to tell you that clicking that “renew now” button was the start of a frustrating and interesting experience. When you install a new program on your computer, you don’t even have to decide where to put that program. It swiftly asks you if this is a correct place to put it. I usually swiftly pick yes and move on to finishing the install as to not be confronted with the fact that I have no idea where it is going. I was thinking that sometimes when we experience hurt in our lives, our minds and hearts swiftly move that specific hurt to a default folder. It is almost as if someone flipped the autopilot switch and we missed it. This process sounds like it could be to our advantage, yet there is only so much you can stuff down and compress before the structure you have built for all the irresolute hurt starts to buckle and give way to the pressure. Today God allowed me to experience this epiphany in my own life.

I am not sure why, but I feel as though I am given eyes to see through some of the weird things that Christians do. For the American church as an institution and her para-organizations, I believe it is difficult to focus on an organic process of making disciples and keep the doors open. It seems as though we are confused as a people as to whether our churches are fortune 500 wannabe’s filled with vision statements and salvation quotas, old folk’s homes for the spiritually retired, or seeker-friendly hippy communes that host buddy Jesus and an anything goes philosophy. But before I continue down my never ending and ever-winding stream of consciousness, my problem today does not lie in the institution alone or a ministry philosophy of a specific institution. My problem is in our adoption of worldly philosophies into our disciple making process. When did this process ever look like a ladder? When did this process ever have a formula? When did this process ever have measureable results? What is painful about this is that there are those in leadership who are unable to accept this incalculable and uncontrollable process, that assume and size up others based on a limited perception and assumptions and then proceed to assume the role of the Holy Spirit. I believe that this is a direct result of a lack of trust. We don’t actually believe that He who began a good work in us will be faithful to bring it on to completion, so we take matters into our own hands.

It never ceases to amazes me when I experience the Holy Spirit comforting, counseling, and breaking. It is a beautiful and humbling experience full of paradox. I feel so weak and unworthy, yet so loved and protected. God used a song today to remind me that He is the author and perfecter of our faith. He revealed to me that He and He alone is the one who leads, guides, disciplines, comforts, and counsels

I'm looking for some stable ground
Some kinda place to lay it down
And settle for a while
I'm sick of looking for a star
I won't show anyone my scars
Can you help me out?
I wanna see a change in me

When it's time for another round
I get in then, I bow out
I'm kinda freaky that way
I used to stand as tall as I could
I used to be better than good
I guess I've made my bed
I wanna see a change in me

No, I don't listen when they tell me
They think I won't
Come back around
Find my way out
It's none of their business!
It's none of their business!

I've got another song in me
Because of you, I'm changing
I'm learning how to wait
Ugly as I could've been
Down and out and all broken
You never made me wait
You saw me
You didn't see my shame

No, I don't listen when they tell me
They think I won't
Come back around
Find my way out
It's none of their business!
It's none of their business!

I'm free because you said so
And I'm learning to grow
Because you held my hand
I'm free because you said
Go, keep walking